Thoughtful Advice On Love, Romance And Relationships
I Love My Former Girlfriend
Prerit Asks How Long Should He Wait For His Former Girlfriend
Prerit asks:
I am in love with my former girlfriend. Our romantic relationship lasted five months. They were the best five months of my life. Besides being my girlfriend, she was also my best friend. I shared everything with her. She loved me like crazy. She always used to say that I distracted her from her studies because she was always thinking about me.
One day, I didn't trust her enough and I followed her when she went to see a movie with a male friend. She told me about him. He is just a friend, but I was still angry that she didn't tell me that she was going to see a movie with him. As she came out of the theater, I lost my temper and I started yelling at my girlfriend in front of everyone. She said that if I can't trust her, we can't have a romantic relationship. We broke up and it was the worst day of my life.
That was three months ago and the friendship between us is as strong as ever. We still share with each other every small detail of our lives. I still comfort her when she is upset. Besides her family, I am still the most important person in her life. In one way or another, she always says that she needs me.
The problem is that she doesn’t want to be romantically involved with me but she can't give me a reason why? I still love her like crazy. I know there's something in her heart for me, but she doesn’t want to show it.
I thought her reason could be that she wants to concentrate on her studies. I told her I can wait until she completes her studies, but she doesn’t say anything.
Should I wait for her to come around? If so, how long should I wait?
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Dear Prerit,
I think you know you made a HUGE mistake when you followed your girlfriend and when you yelled at her in front of everyone. That incident could forever end any chance of you again having a romantic relationship with her. I think for you two to have any chance of getting back together, she needs to be able to forgive you. To help her get to that place, you need to make it crystal clear to her that you know you messed up and how very sorry you are about how you acted that day.
Here is what I think you should do:
1. You need to admit to your former girlfriend that you were wrong and apologize for your behavior that day. Here is what you could say:
I am very sorry about the incident at the movie theater. I was wrong and I know I royally messed things up between us. I am sorry that I didn't trust you enough that day. You did nothing to deserve that. I am sorry I lost my temper and yelled at you in front of everyone. You did nothing to deserve that. I love you and you deserved better from me. I wish with all my heart that I could change that day, but I can't. What I can do is to let you know how very sorry I am.
Notice there is no groveling. There is no begging for forgiveness. There is no mention of restoring your romantic relationship. It is only admitting you were wrong and apologizing to your former girlfriend for your behavior.
2. Every time the incident at the movie theater is brought up, you need to tell your former girlfriend all over again how sorry you are.
3. You should wait for your former girlfriend to fully appreciate how sorry you are about the incident and for her to forgive you. How long will that take? It depends how upset your former girlfriend was. It could be months. What if she never forgives you? Then I think you need to move on with your life. You will never have the relationship you want with her if she is incapable of forgiving you when (not if) you mess up.
I hope you have spent the last three months letting your former girlfriend know how badly you feel about that day. If she has forgiven you, I would wait a month or two before you try to explore the possibility of reestablishing your romantic relationship.
Something you should consider is that just because your former girlfriend forgives you does not mean that the friends and family members that she told the story to have forgiven you. They can be a huge obstacle to the two of you resuming your romantic relationship. What can you do about it? Probably nothing, but you should keep in mind that it might be something that is holding her back.
The next thing to consider is, what are you looking for in life? Where do you want to live? What job do you want? When (or if) you want to get married? How many children do you want? And where does a woman fit into your hopes and dreams? What kind of woman would be the best partner for you in life? From your letter, it sounds like one of the things you want is a relationship with a woman that is not only your girlfriend, but also your friend.
Now, look at where you are in life. You are not her boyfriend, but you are also not completely out of her life. You are stuck in limbo with this woman. You are not getting the affection that you want from her and not moving toward finding that with another woman. It is not what you hoped for or planned for your life.
From her side, she has you as a friend and companion without having to be your girlfriend. While that may be working for her, it clearly isn't working for you.
The next step is to sit down with your former girlfriend and have a heart-to-heart talk. Tell her what a sad time the last few months have been for you. Tell her of your sorrow for causing the break up. Apologize again for the way you acted. Tell her how you miss the happy times you had as a couple. Tell her you missed being loved by her. Tell her you want a woman in your life that is not only your girlfriend, but also your best friend. Then, tell her you want her to be that woman in your life again...
Once you have said all that, stop talking and listen to what she has to say. If she says, she wants that too, then the two of you might discuss how you can slowly reestablish your romantic relationship.
If she tells you she is not ready for that or that is not what she wants right now, she is telling you, at least at this point in her life, she isn't the woman you are looking for. I would tell her that if she does not want to be your best friend as well as your girlfriend, then you need to find a woman that wants to be both for you.
In a very gentle way, you are telling your former girlfriend that you need to move on with your life. When she hears that, she might reconsider her choice right then, she might reconsider in a few days. Either way, you have put her on notice that she can't put you on hold forever. She either wants a romantic relationship with you or you need to find a woman that does. It is a fairly gentle way to force her hand and require her to make a choice.
So my bottom line answers are:
1. Should I wait for your former girlfriend to come around?
It seems to me that you have a lot emotionally invested in this woman. I think it would make sense to see if you can work things out with her.
2. How long should I wait?
If you can't patch up your romantic relationship within six months after the break up, I would start the process of moving on with your life.
